Post by William Dryden
As children, we both dreamed of having our own families.
We imagined building sandcastles, reading bedtime stories, and wiping away tears after scraped knees. But as gay men, those dreams seemed impossibly far away for much of our lives. Being true to ourselves once felt like giving up the chance to be fathers.
Just 15 years before we were born our dream of fatherhood would have been legally impossible. Homosexuality was criminalised in the UK until 1967, and gay men were excluded from conversations about family. When we were growing up, civil partnerships didn’t exist, and there was no way gay men couldn’t hope to adopt. It wasn’t until 2005 that same-sex couples were granted the legal right to adopt. Later, surrogacy laws evolved to allow gay men to seek parental orders. Yet even today, these processes remain riddled with complexity, cost, and criticism.
The Legal and Financial Barriers
Surrogacy laws in the UK are restrictive and outdated. Even if a surrogate has no genetic link to the baby, the law views her – and her spouse, if she has one – as the child’s legal parent at birth. Intended parents like us must apply for a parental order after the baby is born, a process that can take months. This legal limbo leaves you in a vulnerable position, living with the child you love but without formal recognition as their parent.
Recent proposals by the Law Commission aim to simplify this by transferring legal parenthood at birth, provided the surrogate gives consent. It’s a step forward, but the system still has a long way to go.
Surrogacy outside the UK, where laws can be more transparent, comes at a steep cost – often three times the average UK annual salary. Yes, Elton John could afford it, but unless you’re Elton John, your options are slim. For us, making it possible meant selling our house and borrowing from family. That isn’t an option for most people, and it highlights how financial barriers make fatherhood unattainable for many gay men.
Adoption, on the other hand, should be easier. After all, it’s about giving children a home. But for gay men, the process often feels like a series of unwritten tests. We’re scrutinised harder, questioned more, and judged against outdated ideas of what a “normal” family should look like.
The Emotional Toll
The legal and financial barriers are exhausting, but the emotional toll is harder to explain. Society has long equated family with heterosexuality, and as gay men, we’ve faced scepticism about even wanting to be parents. The unspoken question – “Why would a man want children?” – still lingers in people’s minds.
We’ve heard it all. Some assume we want children to “normalise” ourselves, as if parenting is a PR stunt. Others think our kids will be worse off because they won’t have a mother. These attitudes, though outdated, still cut deep.
And if you’ve been through it – or know someone who has – you’ll know it’s not just the practical hurdles. It’s the emotional weight of being told, over and over, that you don’t quite belong.
Hope for the Future
Despite these challenges, we remain hopeful. Over the decades, public attitudes have shifted dramatically. In 1987, 74% of Britons thought same-sex relationships were “wrong.” By 2017, that number had dropped to 17%. Gay fathers are becoming more visible, helping to break down stereotypes. Community organisations and advocacy groups are stepping up to support gay men on the path to parenthood.
Proposed changes to surrogacy laws offer hope. If implemented, they could remove some of the financial and emotional barriers that make surrogacy so out of reach. However, these reforms must go further, addressing not only the logistical challenges but also the societal prejudices that persist.
Nontraditional family creation in the workplace
We have been fortunate to receive verbal support from our workplaces, but policies related to family-building remain outdated and lack inclusivity. Surrogacy and same-sex family creation are often overlooked, with policies defaulting to a broad treat the same as adoption approach. The language used in these policies frequently fails to acknowledge same-sex couples, and male fertility is rarely considered at all.
While senior leaders have been supportive, the burden of advocating for policy changes falls on us, adding yet another layer of stress during an already overwhelming time. On top of navigating the surrogacy process and passive aggressive homophobia, we find ourselves pushing for more progressive, inclusive family policies to ensure that all families, regardless of how they are formed, receive equal recognition and support.
Building a Family Against the Odds
For us, the dream of fatherhood isn’t about conforming to societal norms or proving a point. It’s about love – love for a child we haven’t yet met but already feel connected to. It’s about bedtime stories, scraped knees, and awkward teenage years. It’s about providing safety, stability, and acceptance.
The journey to parenthood for gay men is not easy. It demands resilience, patience, and often, financial sacrifice. But the fight for equality in parenthood isn’t just about gay men – it’s about dismantling barriers so that anyone, regardless of their identity, can experience the joy of family. Because at the end of the day, love makes a family – not gender, not biology, not convention. Just love.